Motivation.

I would like to think that I'm still as capable as I was before. That is, before I was released from the slavery chapter of what we all call high school. Every thing was a compulsory task... it represented a grade that they threaten would follow you throughout your life. I fell for that deceitful threat, and so spent my days trying to be the most diligent student ever possible (slight exaggeration). With that approach, I gave up my inherent values of life. Take a walk in the garden did I not... read a book of interest, have I not attempt... appreciate my two lovely dogs did I do only to a very limited extent... All was overruled by my temptation to finish my homework and be ready for the test the next day.... Test results that, today, have no such value comparable to what would have been if I had spent my days doing what I actually enjoy.

But high school is over... and now I'm in university, where grades are only allocated from exams/assignments due only at a certain period of time, rather than consistently throughout. Where are the motivators? Or the threats that I was once so accustomed to? Without them... I am nothing but all my heart tells me to be. I'd sleep throughout the day, and watch tv to end my night. I'd touch a textbook but never go beyond the first page of the chapter. Am I going downhill from here? Or can I pick up speed when time gets closer to the dates of examination.

Despite having all those thoughts and, I suppose, guilt of being as 'free' as I am now... I still choose to go the liberal way. "Screw dictatorship. I will figure it out later."- That's what my head says all the time.

But nonetheless, I will get over this. As I'm certain to find a threat to motivate me. Perhaps it'd be the threat of being at a competitive disadvantage. Since plants are competitive in nature, it's inevitable for a human being to not be driven by the need to excel beyond others. Afterall, our reality embraces a rule where one's happiness is the result of another's loss.

Cynicism.

I'm a cynic, and I'm proud. I feed on the flaws of others and seldom miss a spot. I see the world through a black and white perspective, judging everything on the basis of worthy and worthless. But I am over powered by my greatest imperfection, which is that I am my own victim of cynicism.

The reset button of reality.

My indolence has made me neglect this blog for nearly a month. I could say that I was very much preoccupied by the workload since the commencement of lectures... But that would be a LIE. I suppose some things just don't change. Procrastinate is what I do best.

People often assume that along with the new University life, comes new beginnings where everything goes to ''refresh''. Some even live by the principle that this big leap will give them a clean slate. I was one of them... hoping to start afresh. However, that miserable hope of mine came crushing in as the weeks passed by. I find myself holding on to who I was before and building the past all over again. The people, the hobbies, the thoughts, the actions, the dreams, and the failures... I repeat them all again,  reflecting the past that I loathed. I guess, from that, it's reasonable to say that the reset button of reality is non existent. I am who I am, and my fate is what it is. Challenging it, would only take me back to phase 1, where hope of change permeates my mind, only to have disappointment hit me after.