Why should I try so hard?

If only I was dumb since the beginning. If only I didn't care about grades. If only I made things simpler for myself. I'd then have a happier life story to tell.

I am who I am because of you.

Every once in a while, we find ourselves saying something along the lines of..."screw what others think of me. I am unaffected by their judgments". But how true is that line that we oh-so-often turn to when in desperate need to raise own's pride? To me, it's nothing more than a pathetic line of denial... Denial to accept the fact that what the others are saying are actually, and dauntingly, accurate. Afterall, I strongly believe in the concept that we are all the product of what others say of us.

Our lives are all just like puzzle pieces in a huge thing called social institution. Our piece of puzzle only fits if accompanied by neighbouring pieces. Thus, at the end of the day, metaphorically speaking, our piece fits where it fits, angled how it's angled, and coloured the way it's coloured, simply because the neighbouring pieces tells us to...

Lately, all my weaknesses as a person has intensified... Because weakness is a key focus to those around me. They picked on my flaws, and dominated my consciousness. By tomorrow, I will be the most destroyed version of myself.

Motivation.

I would like to think that I'm still as capable as I was before. That is, before I was released from the slavery chapter of what we all call high school. Every thing was a compulsory task... it represented a grade that they threaten would follow you throughout your life. I fell for that deceitful threat, and so spent my days trying to be the most diligent student ever possible (slight exaggeration). With that approach, I gave up my inherent values of life. Take a walk in the garden did I not... read a book of interest, have I not attempt... appreciate my two lovely dogs did I do only to a very limited extent... All was overruled by my temptation to finish my homework and be ready for the test the next day.... Test results that, today, have no such value comparable to what would have been if I had spent my days doing what I actually enjoy.

But high school is over... and now I'm in university, where grades are only allocated from exams/assignments due only at a certain period of time, rather than consistently throughout. Where are the motivators? Or the threats that I was once so accustomed to? Without them... I am nothing but all my heart tells me to be. I'd sleep throughout the day, and watch tv to end my night. I'd touch a textbook but never go beyond the first page of the chapter. Am I going downhill from here? Or can I pick up speed when time gets closer to the dates of examination.

Despite having all those thoughts and, I suppose, guilt of being as 'free' as I am now... I still choose to go the liberal way. "Screw dictatorship. I will figure it out later."- That's what my head says all the time.

But nonetheless, I will get over this. As I'm certain to find a threat to motivate me. Perhaps it'd be the threat of being at a competitive disadvantage. Since plants are competitive in nature, it's inevitable for a human being to not be driven by the need to excel beyond others. Afterall, our reality embraces a rule where one's happiness is the result of another's loss.

Cynicism.

I'm a cynic, and I'm proud. I feed on the flaws of others and seldom miss a spot. I see the world through a black and white perspective, judging everything on the basis of worthy and worthless. But I am over powered by my greatest imperfection, which is that I am my own victim of cynicism.

The reset button of reality.

My indolence has made me neglect this blog for nearly a month. I could say that I was very much preoccupied by the workload since the commencement of lectures... But that would be a LIE. I suppose some things just don't change. Procrastinate is what I do best.

People often assume that along with the new University life, comes new beginnings where everything goes to ''refresh''. Some even live by the principle that this big leap will give them a clean slate. I was one of them... hoping to start afresh. However, that miserable hope of mine came crushing in as the weeks passed by. I find myself holding on to who I was before and building the past all over again. The people, the hobbies, the thoughts, the actions, the dreams, and the failures... I repeat them all again,  reflecting the past that I loathed. I guess, from that, it's reasonable to say that the reset button of reality is non existent. I am who I am, and my fate is what it is. Challenging it, would only take me back to phase 1, where hope of change permeates my mind, only to have disappointment hit me after.

Fresh off the boat?

It has been weeks since I last blogged, and it's only because of my packed schedule of shopping every single day. Moving in, furnishing up, and trying to make a home from what was just a rented flat. Whoever said settling in would be easy, obviously LIED! I've never been so stressed from shopping before! We (mum and I) need to buy everything, even the small things, like a wine bottle opener (which we have YET to get). But after a lot of hellish shopping and DAMN PAINFUL feet cramps, we managed to get ourselves pretty settled in! (:

Here's a SHOUT OUT to all mobile phone providers in the UK. The regulation about having to stay a minimum of 3 months in the UK before being able to obtain a contract is A FRIGGIN JOKE. What an inconvenience ok. So pissed off now for I'm forced to use a prepaid simcard on my old phone as well as survive on 3G INTERNET DATA for each month, since I'm only eligible for a prepaid dongle. URGHH!! Ok... I guess I can understand why they have to take such strict measures... I mean, what is it with people who signs contracts for phone and then FLEE off to some unknown land where they cannot be tracked down, hence having paid only 29 pounds for an Iphone 4. SUCH ASSHOLES. If no money, don't get an Iphone 4 la!!! Use LG or something! Now innocent and loyal people like me *cough* cannot get an Iphone 4 instantly.

OK. Enough grumbling about the phone and internet (though my heart is still very much broken from this experience).

Oh Iphone 4, you're gorgeous. So close, but yet so far! ):

Hello blublue sky.

You know how UK is infamous for its consistently grey and cloudy sky? Well let today be an exception to that! After a week here, I've finally been able to have a glimpse of blue sky with white puffy clouds!

So I took this oppurtunity to wander around the big green yard behind the cottage and damn I must say it's so very beautiful out there! So chill, relax, and a big great contrast to what I'm used to back in KL. (Eg. Condominium construction with scores of Indonesian workers yelling and sitting behind my garden)... Hmmm...Why am I here, blogging when I can spend my last day here on the green carpet of the garden?!

I'm gonna throw a bunch of photos here to feed your imagination. And then IM OUT OF HERE. Out into the fields. Like a real countryman. O:

See! Blue sky and green carpet lawn!

Below is the perfect picture showing just how isolated this cottage is from everything else. What you see here is a WHEAT farm. And the other flat land beyond that are more WHEAT farms. I won't be surprised if I wake up one day seeing a cow trying to get over to fence to eat the grass in this cottage's lawn! With this piece of evidence, you now should understand how BORED I can get around here! (No,  there are no cows for my bullying pleasure... unfortunately..): )

So that's all for now! Will be getting out of here in a day's time, and hopefully be checked in into my downtown apartment. OH I can smell commercialism and its stress already!

Bleh...Failed attempt to take a self portrait with the cottage as the backdrop. But there's a quarter of it still intact? O:

EEEEEE! (:

I'm not creative.

I've decided to change my blog from shereenchee.blogspot.com to yingles.blogspot.com. AS SAD AS it may seem... I just can't get any more creative than that. Shereen Chee was too much of a bore... as it is... my NAME. HAHA. Now with yingles... I get a fusion of my chinese name "ying" and the oh-so-yummy chips ''pringles''.... And that's all I can say bout it. YES...I was inspired by pringles..O:

Teehehehe. So cute, I WANNA EAT YOU.

(:

Photogenicity and FIT

ARGH. Being in a cottage somewhere outskirts of Nottingham has made me a really BIG (NONO that's an understatement)...has made me a HUGEE! Stalker. I've been on facebook for hours now and I have no clue why I keep going back for more. In the last hour, I've seen pictures of good looking people to pictures of not-so-good-looking people...but they looked damn good in the photos. This is... photogenicity (a Shereen word). Oh how I wish I could be photogenic. MY FACE. In photos. BLERGH... (The ones on the sidebar were handpicked, ensuring that my FACE looks ok~) ):

Another thing that I would like to fuss about would be how FIT the people I stalked were! Their legs were nice and toned. Their arms, oh so firm! AH their waist... so flawless.

HAHAHAHA. You must be thinking what a PERVERT I am right now. But I have to admit, I do take notice of all these parts NATURALLY. It's like an instinct. And to make it worse, they're all women... I'm a frigging lesbo!? Nahh. Just an envious bitch living away from the city buzz. (:

I DO HOPE... that I can lose weight during my stay in Nottingham. The only good thing those law textbooks can do for me now is function as weights that can help me tone up my flabby arms. (: I also plan to master the art of make-up. And hopefully start to look better in photos. OH savior! Concealer, Foundation, Blusher! But watch me. FAIL in doing any of these. I'll return to KL next year, being the same ol' Shereen! BAH!

Potato is the new cheap.

I'm having a serious depression now. Everything about the UK finally kicked in. Here I am, half way across the world from my lovely home in KL, and for what reason? To study law at some university. LAW. Of all subjects...it had to be law. There is nothing fun about that word and whats related to it. Nothing interesting or different and unique to it. It's such a "shereen" move to mindlessly choose that course just so she can wiggle her way through life. Unlike many of my friends who went to the US, I am stuck with law, and can only do classes that have been set by my university. I don't have an option to learn another language, or learn one or two FUN things. All I can do is read my law books and memorize the f**k out of them. Hopefully things can get a little more entertaining than that when I do start uni.... ):

Another reason for my sudden depression is my realization of how pricey everything is in the UK. My phone bill is going to be 5 times higher. My internet, 3 times. And I don't even want to think about rental, electricity and water bills. Being as *kiamsiap* as I am, WHY did I chose to come to the UK?! I now have to multiply everything by 5 before I make a purchase, and with every swipe I make with my debit card, a piece of me dies inside. Haha. So drama, I know. The only thing cheap so far are potatoes. DAMN cheap. It's around 99pence for a BIG BAG of potatoes. This just means that I'll be putting on a lot of kilos from all that potato-carb diet. Beh.

Overall, my point here is that I SUCK AT MAKING DECISIONS. The choices I make, always bite me in the end. Maybe thats why I chose the UK, there's just too many choices in the US in terms of classes for first year students. I like my easy way out, but I always find it to be the toughest way when I'm half way through. Don't have me started on what happened when I chose to skip PMR and SPM and go take IB at MKIS. BADDD BADDD choices I make.

May the rest of my stay in the UK be better.
Ayyyymen.